And In This Corner...

'Santa vs. Satan' brings imaginary

fights to the forefront

By Allen Adams
edge staff writer
aadams@themaineedge.com

While most of us do our best to spend our brainpower wisely, we aren't always successful. In these instances, our trains of thought are hijacked by a wide array of pointless, inane and even absurd scenarios, ideas and questions. We find ourselves spending hours pondering these ridiculous hypotheticals, such as: "Who would win in a fight between X and Y?"

Well, all our imaginary fight questions have finally been answered, in a new book by Jake Kalish, the appropriately-titled "Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights" (Three Rivers Press; $13.95), hilariously illustrated by Christopher Frost.

This book is exactly what it sounds like. Kalish has assembled a list of over 50 hypothetical bouts between, well, all sorts of different combatants. Ever wondered who would win in a fight between Muhammad Ali and Bruce Lee? How about Dungeons and Dragons players versus World of Warcraft players? Or a barbarian versus a robot? All this and more.

Kalish provides each battle with its own "Tale of the Tape," rattling off a list of barely (and sometimes completely non-) relevant information as a means of sizing up his two combatants. He also provides a brief summation of his own theory as to what the fight's result would be, presenting a victor and noting how the fight was officially decided (knockout, decision, etc.).

One of the wonderful touches that make this book so much fun is the fact that Kalish has gone to considerable lengths to construct what comes off as a work of pseudo-scholarship. He has actually done a little bit of research regarding many of his proposed bouts. Granted, said research is profoundly goofy, but you might be surprised at the caliber of genuine responses he received to many of his offbeat pairings.

Additionally, the back of the book contains an appendix where Kalish lists a number of Top 10 Lists (with a few Top 20s as well). These lists are Kalish's Combatant Rankings, including Top 10 Drug Addicts, Top 10 Marvel (and DC) Superheroes, Top 10 Animals That Eat Their Own Feces, and on and on. Also, Kalish provides a section that he calls "Sociocultural Significance of These Imagined Altercations," but it's really just one last chance for him to take a shot at making you laugh.

It's rare to find a book that actually can make you laugh out loud, and this book definitely can. It mines the sublime from the ridiculous, using a rapid-fire mixture of pop culture and irony delivered with a potty mouth to create a tongue-in-cheek work of quasi-seriousness.

Plus, you can get an expert opinion on who would win a fight between Han Solo and Indiana Jones. Really, what's not to love?